For some time now I have wanted to write about this, so forgive me if this is a long post because this topic has been brewing for some time.
On a meta-level, I find the research I do fascinating, the confluence of a variety of facts and theories coming together to influence one institution or event which then goes on to have ripple effects through society is a fascinating thing. However, on a micro-level, research is sightly more boring than watching grass grow and slightly less boring than watching paint dry (Having done both as a means of procrastination).
But we knew this, I learned it in my masters, so what is getting my goat? Movies. I recently watched Frost/Nixon, great movie, except they make highlighting and reading late at night under a lamp look so thrilling you think, "Why aren't people lined up to read hours of transcribed interviews, and input data into a computer?" In the
Da Vinci Code, Indiana Jones and Atlantis, Professors go on adventures and solve mysteries with only their wits, a whip, a smart car or a sexy girl from a dead civilization. Kinsie gets laid for his research, and his RA's do too, why does my academic world look so different from theirs?
Well, I am creating a list of ways to make my research seem more like the movies, here are a few rules I have picked up on.
(1) Get a
Hat, not a cool one, but a hat that makes you look like you are ready for any adventure that should arise (Tilley hats, explorer hats and straw hats are acceptable, ball caps are not, they display laziness, not a sense of adventure), professors with hats lead exciting lives, period.
(2) Get cool theme music, one that suggests a balance of determination, dedication and inspiration is your best bet. Playing the intro to
Baba O'Riley on a loop is probably a good choice, don't go to the actual song until you are highlighting, writing notes or typing, that is the good stuff, the intro is for reading and intense scrutinizing looks that build up to the exciting parts of research.
(3) Stock up on Antiquated knowledge, sure most students of religion study actual people and traditions, but it helps to have the entire canon of extra scriptural literature memorized, the personal likes and dislikes of every religious figure ever born or imagined, and a thorough knowledge of conspiracy theories and every not-so-secret secret group ever invented. Should an adventure arise, this knowledge will be used to save the day, or out wit the bad guys.
(4) If you are a male and you want to be a movie star professor, you must not dress nicely. Invest all your money in tweed and rumpled khaki pants, plaid shirts, and possibly bow ties. Also try not to be gay or a member of a visible minority, if you are gay you will likely wind up having an
affair with one of your students, if you are Black, Hispanic, Asian or Indian, you are only really there for
comedic relief.
(5) If you are a woman, well you have it a little harder, women in movies tend to be sexy scientists, Jody foster in contact, Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile or Vittoria Vettra in Angels and Demons. It appears you also have to be white as a female, unless of course you study African (hispanic) Literature, then you can be black (Latino). Thick glasses and Knee length skirts are a must. And you should have brown hair, not blonde, it adds to your credibility, especially if you can hold it up with a pencil. Having strange beliefs in crazy thing like "Aliens" or "Feminism" are critical to being a female movie professor. Note, feminist professors are expected to be lesbians, please do not attempt to be a women's studies professor in a movie unless you are a lesbian or a single hippie woman.
(6) Finally, have a skeleton in your closet, if you don't, skeletons are
available online, closets can be purchased at Ikea. Movie professors always have a secret past that makes them the way they are. They were abused or bullied and therefore became academic recluses burying themselves in Teutonic literature so they wouldn't have to face their demons. If you weren't bullied, you can have slightly creepy relationship with a mentor who saw your potential when you didn't and steered you toward your current path, you rebel by using lawson and McCauley's definition of religion instead of Eliade's. A quest is also acceptable, cure the disease that killed your mother, solve the mystery your father couldn't or prove God does/does not exist because your father was a priest/atheist.
Hopefully this information will guide you in your attempts to make your life in research a little more like the movies, oh and other than highlighting documents to inspiring music, and giving the occasional (but always interrupted) lecture to students who seem to actually pay attention (if you can find these magical undergrads), don't ever be seen actually doing research, applying for grant applications, filling out departmental forms, counseling students, writing books, talking with publishers, editing journals, organizing conferences, attending departmental meetings, supervising RA's and TA's, reviewing books, providing advise to lawmakers and politicians, running subcommittees or any of the other things that professors actually do, those are just too boring for the movies.
