Women of childbearing age say the darndest things.

I don’t have kids yet, in fact I don’t know if I ever will. However, being a young married woman under 30, people do like to ask when I will have kids. They never ask “if” I will only, “when”. Regardless of my answer, these same people like to take what they feel is a weird quirk about my life and ask if I will force my children to adhere to said quirk. Let’s take one older woman Kassie who cornered me at a family event a few weeks ago.

“Hey Shelly” she said “You are one of those feminists, are you going to raise your kids gay?”

I wasn’t sure of the connection, I guess most feminists do support gay marriage, but having had millions of similar conversations I responded:

“No, I plan to make them miserable.”

Not my best response, but it ended the conversation. However, Kassie is both persistent and unimaginative, just two days ago she asked me:

“Hey Shelly” she said “You are one of those vegetarians, are you going to raise your kids vegetarian?”

“No, I plan to MAKE them vegetarian by giving them a pet turkey as a Christmas present then pretending to be too broke to buy food at Thanksgiving.”

You may think this is a bit harsh, but if you have a womb, you understand how the entire world feels as though they have a uterine time share in your pelvis, with your in-laws and your own parents going splitsies on the ovaries, your friends discussing your cervix, the media putting up advertisements on your uterine wall and complete strangers taking a slide down your fallopian tubes. It isn’t just women, men do it too.

“Shelly,” Hank from the art gallery where I volunteer asked me just last week “what are you going to do if your kids want to join the conservative party.”

While the reality is that I would be very happy to have politically engaged kids, Hank needed to be put in his place.

“Hank” I responded “I would buy them Karl Marx bed sheets and sneak into church and put Tommy Douglas’s face in place of every Jesus I found."

My favourite question came from a co-worker (and I won’t say when or at which job).

“Shelly,” he said asked with a voice of concern, “If you wait any longer will you even be able to have kids, won’t your uterus just dry up?”

Now I want it clear, I have never before asked a man about what he intended to do with his sperm, or if his testicles were slowly shrivelling from lack of use, but in this case, I made an exception.

Oddly enough, no one has ever asked if I will raise my kids to be sarcastic.

Thesis Tip: Style Sheets.

How come no one ever taught us about these in our Masters? A style sheet is a neat little tool for when you are writing, and I think it would come in very handy while writing a thesis. A style sheet is a chart that keeps track of the following:

Odd Spellings
For example scientific words, philosophical made up terms (I'm looking at you Derrida, ontopology? Serious?) and individual quirks, like the fact I use artefact (British) instead of artifact (American).

Words with variations
Would you say he dived into the pool, or he dove in the pool, now you can be consistent

Names of people and places
It would be great if every scholar in the world had the name Wu or Smith, but they don't, this way I can look up Csikszentmihalyi once, and be able to spell it every time. (I actually had a prof notice once that I had spelled this name wrong in my bibliography, you never know)

Abbreviations, numbers and dates
Do you do it military style (11 Nov 45) or longhand (November eleventh, nineteen hundred and forty-five)? Also important, decide your number rules, I generally like to write out every number under 100.

Trademarked names
Even in my research I come across brand names like Kleenex and iPod. I have to keep track of them somehow.

Specific Instructions
Keep any little quirks your committee has told you to do here, you may have a reader who hates the word "that" put it in the style sheet and you will be aware of it.

Title, Table, Diagram, Figure and section formats

Decide what to bold, itaclizes, underline and make notes of it. Also if you are using capital letters, a numerical system or roman numerals to organise your things. Make notes of the formats for captions on any figures or tables

If you have a friend editing your paper or dissertation for you, a style sheet is a dream come true, organise all your rules alphabetically and your readers will have time to focus on your ideas rather than your inconsistencies. It also helps to tell them which style guide you are using unless you have a field standard like Associated Press or Chicago Manual of Style.

Things not to say to vegetarians: Episode Two

Here we go again, a lot of these you just shouldn't say because they are so darn un-original

(1) I could never give up meat.

Then don't. I really don't care how you eat, I care how I and my family eat.

(2) Mmmmmmmm, this steak is so delicious, too bad you can't have any.

I am sure it is tasty, I am glad you enjoy it, and no I actually don't want any, by the way your jackassness is showing.

(3) Ew, I can't believe you are eating that!

Feel free to be curious about what I eat, but don't make gagging noises about tofu/tempeh/TVP. Remember what is visually appealing in food is cultivated culturally. A shrimp that looks delicious to you looks disgusting to my friend from the Ivory Coast. I don't look at your ground beef and gag (and a vegetarian who does is being a dork). A lot of non-vegetarians eat meat substitutes because they are lower in fat and frankly taste pretty darn good.

(4) You are wearing a leather belt and shoes, you are such a hypocrite.

Really? They might be pleather, because that stuff looks pretty authentic. Or they might be from before when I was a vegetarian and I haven't had the money to replace them. Or maybe I have three pins holding my foot together and can't find vegan shoes yet that don't leave me screaming in pain (true btw). Pointing out an inconsistency in my philosophy neither completely negates it, nor does it completely support yours. Get to know me a little, ask a respectful question and I might tell you more about my philosophy and personal history, but don't be offended when I don't feel the need to justify my life choices to you.

(5) What will you do if your kids/spouse want to eat meat?

Well, it isn't really any of your business, every family will have to work out the relationship between vegetarians and non vegetarians on their own.

(6) Oh, well this restaurant has salad, we can eat there.

This has been my growing pet peeve. It came to a head when we went to a very nice restaurant and the waitress made me feel like scum for not calling three days ahead to give them warning a vegetarian was coming. She said it was common practise (it isn't) and I should not expect them to just be able to accommodate me, and "I guess I could have the chef make some vegetables and rice." The only thing that kept me from leaving was that we had a gift certificate there. I hadn't had any protein that day so I had to beg, literally ask her three times to ask the chef if he could add some lentils to the vegetables and rice (btw, lentils were all over the menu, they just always had meat with them, so it wasn't like I was asking the chef to go to the store just for me). It was a miserable experience, mostly due to the attitude of the waitress that I was some sort of burden. Sorry, you are a service industry, serve me.

Vegetarians need to be understanding, flexible and accommodating, but people need to realise, most of us really like good food. Many of us cook and take a lot of time making appealing meals. So veggie burgers, rice and vegetables, while acceptable occasionally, get really, really boring after a while, same with always eating salad. There are thousands of recipes out there for vegetarian food. If you aren't comfortable cooking them, see the previous post, ask your vegetarian friend, or better yet ask get a cookbook and learn yourself. Many meat recipes can be made vegetarian friendly just by putting a small pot of the food aside and not adding the meat ingredients. If you are doing a meat and potato dinner, many supermarkets will have a little vegetarian casserole you can just throw in the oven, if you are unsure ask me, I will probably offer to bring something. If you are going to meet up as a group, we really appreciate if our input is heard when choosing a restaurant because it really stinks to gnaw on salad while everyone else has a giant dinner. It is our choice and we will deal with it, but it isn't that hard to go to an accommodating restaurant. And we really, really are grateful when we are not considered a burden.

That was the last one for now, but I thought I should end on a positive note because there are things OK to ask and say.

Do you miss steak/chicken wings/ bacon etc.?

When asked respectfully I have no problem with this question at all, because I do miss meat pies and honey garlic wings. There just aren't that many good vegetarian substitutes for those. However, ethically, my vegetarianism demands a few sacrifices and how healthy and good I feel make up for missing those things.

How do you get your nutrients?

Again, tone is everything. I have no problem with honest curiosity, and framing it like this leaves space to talk about nutrition in general. Just be prepared for the conversation to be reciprocal.

Is it hard to be a vegetarian?

Thank you for asking. I like this questions because it comes from a place of curiosity, not judgement. Not really, you deal with the occasional jerk, and it can be annoying when the vegetarian option is always a veggie burger or vegetables and rice at restaurants, but generally the benefits outweigh the sacrifices.

Really, tone and respect make almost any question acceptable. Just remember the golden rule and Bon Apetit!

What not to say to Vegetarians: Episode One

I am a vegetarian. There, I said it, now when I tell you this fact, here are a few things not to say to me.

(1) Don't you care that you are killing carrots and celery?

This comment was funny, the first 100 times I heard it. In the subsequent 5000+ times, it has become less so. Yes, all eating involves some killing and there are people who only eat food that has died naturally. A person can be vegetarian for many reasons, and a problem with killing animals may not be one of them (believe it or not, I support the seal hunt and support small farmers who ethically and organically raise meat, even if I don't eat either). You don't want us to judge you for eating meat, don't try and make us feel guilty because you haven't taken the time to understand us.

(2) Vegetarians are so annoying they expect so much accommodation. I hate having to make a second dish/they are a pain at work functions/insert other big generalizing statement about how annoying we are.

I think if this is how you feel you won't be dealing with vegetarian friends for long. Listen, if you have a friend who pregnant, do you get mad at her for not wanting to drink your wine? What about a Muslim friend? Buying a few veggie burgers and ordering a potato salad without bacon for the company picnic won't kill you. If you are having a vegetarian friend over for dinner, consider saying this "Hey, I am not good at vegetarian cooking, instead of wine can you bring a vegetarian dish for everyone to try?" If they get mad at you, then they are probably a jerk independent of their vegetarianism. A little understanding goes a long way, try something new and you might find food you like too.

(3) Oh my God! You are totally going to die from not getting enough protein/B12/iron/Omega -3 fatty acids, etc.

This is probably the one I get the most, and my response is now science. I like to respond by saying "I need 59 grams of protein a day and usually get that by lunch, how many grams do you need a day?" Yes, that is right some of us vegetarians do our homework, we know where to get our nutrients and maximise their absorption. And even if we didn't, it is none of your damn business. If I said, "Oh my God, you are a meat eater, do you get enough folic acid or fibre? And you are going to kill yourself with the saturated fat in that steak," I would kind of come across as a jerk. This is exacerbated by the fact that I am a woman of childbearing age. If a woman wants to be vegetarian or vegan while pregnant it is her choice. Support her and deal with it. Ask respectful questions if you are interested (I love talking about nutrition) but please don't tell her she is going to miscarry because of her diet, I don't need to tell you how much of a douche you would feel like if she becomes one of the thousands of women who miscarry every year regardless of their diet. Many people other than vegetarians make healthy and unhealthy eating choices every day, try to treat us like regular people.

Last one for today

(4) You are not a real vegetarian.

I get this from both omnivores and vegetarians. I drink milk, I eat eggs and in two very specific circumstances I will eat meat. Those circumstances include if I was a moron and didn't tell the people cooking I was a vegetarian and I am about to faint and there is nothing else around or in culturally necessary situations. When I visit religious groups for my research, I eat what they serve me, period. I can't imagine going to a reserve and telling the elder I can't eat the deer he is so proud his son caught. But, this is a personal choice and I shouldn't be judged for it. Maybe you would prefer if I applied the label flexitarian? I don't mind, but when I tell people that they use it as an excuse to serve me meat and discredit me. If you are so anxious to see me discredited as a vegetarian, I would check your own motivations first. What are you so insecure about that you need to criticize me and other people like me? No I am not a vegan, and given the choice I would prefer to never have to eat meat again, but if I change my mind on that, either by becoming vegan or a meat eater, it is my right and I deserve the same respect everyone else does.

This was therapeutic, I plan to write more of these and I plan to be just as hard on vegetarian jerks as I am on other jerks.

Sigh

I read a paper today (the tile of which shall remain a secret) that claimed to be about defining the sacred but in reality was about nationalism, patriotism and hot dogs (I guess that makes it American?). I am not sure about that last one though, I really did stop paying attention.

I wonder if peer reviewers don't read titles?

Anyway, to Mr./ Ms./Dr. Tangent, I want my hour back, I stuck it out hoping you would make your point but this paper had fewer points than a sphere. You can make it up to me by doing an hour of transcribing.

Academic words

Every academic has their favourite words. I am not talking about big words (deoxyribonucleic acid) or made up words (ontopological). I am talking about small words we use while writing to make a point.

I was editing a friend's paper today, which she was going to read out loud for a conference, and there tucked in with her analysis was the word 'whilst." I asked her "Do you ever actually say 'whilst.' She answered that she doesn't, but it is just one of those academics words she can't give up.

My word is hence, I love the word hence, it is the ultimate declarative. It feels like no matter what is written after the word hence, you will not be able to argue with it. "Hence, we now understand that chocolate chip cookies deserve their own food group." Hence, star trek was and still is the best televisions series ever to be aired."

My husband likes 'indeed." I believe there is a place for the word indeed, but really, it is just a weaker hence.

Some academics like to use latin words. For example, I love the terms a priori and post hoc. Any stats term that can be applied to real life is fine by me. Some people like to use ad nauseum or ad infinitum. I prefer ad nauseum because there are many academics things that make you feel sick if you think about them too much. Ad infinitum however, is just inaccurate, we are academics, we never study the infinite (too hard to define, no good parameters), if anything our narrow research foci have caused us to need words describing levels of finitude. And of course etc., the layman's latin, is not good writing form, which actually kind of sucks. If I were allowed to use etc. I think my thesis would be about 5 words long (including the latin).

Therefore, whence, heretofore, etc. (See it is so useful), there are so many little words we academics love. Journalists have their own style of writing, fiction writers, speechwriters, it is only fair that we academics have a few words we can claim as truly ours.

How to be a movie star academic.

For some time now I have wanted to write about this, so forgive me if this is a long post because this topic has been brewing for some time.

On a meta-level, I find the research I do fascinating, the confluence of a variety of facts and theories coming together to influence one institution or event which then goes on to have ripple effects through society is a fascinating thing. However, on a micro-level, research is sightly more boring than watching grass grow and slightly less boring than watching paint dry (Having done both as a means of procrastination).

But we knew this, I learned it in my masters, so what is getting my goat? Movies. I recently watched Frost/Nixon, great movie, except they make highlighting and reading late at night under a lamp look so thrilling you think, "Why aren't people lined up to read hours of transcribed interviews, and input data into a computer?" In the Da Vinci Code, Indiana Jones and Atlantis, Professors go on adventures and solve mysteries with only their wits, a whip, a smart car or a sexy girl from a dead civilization. Kinsie gets laid for his research, and his RA's do too, why does my academic world look so different from theirs?

Well, I am creating a list of ways to make my research seem more like the movies, here are a few rules I have picked up on.

(1) Get a Hat, not a cool one, but a hat that makes you look like you are ready for any adventure that should arise (Tilley hats, explorer hats and straw hats are acceptable, ball caps are not, they display laziness, not a sense of adventure), professors with hats lead exciting lives, period.

(2) Get cool theme music, one that suggests a balance of determination, dedication and inspiration is your best bet. Playing the intro to Baba O'Riley on a loop is probably a good choice, don't go to the actual song until you are highlighting, writing notes or typing, that is the good stuff, the intro is for reading and intense scrutinizing looks that build up to the exciting parts of research.

(3) Stock up on Antiquated knowledge, sure most students of religion study actual people and traditions, but it helps to have the entire canon of extra scriptural literature memorized, the personal likes and dislikes of every religious figure ever born or imagined, and a thorough knowledge of conspiracy theories and every not-so-secret secret group ever invented. Should an adventure arise, this knowledge will be used to save the day, or out wit the bad guys.

(4) If you are a male and you want to be a movie star professor, you must not dress nicely. Invest all your money in tweed and rumpled khaki pants, plaid shirts, and possibly bow ties. Also try not to be gay or a member of a visible minority, if you are gay you will likely wind up having an affair with one of your students, if you are Black, Hispanic, Asian or Indian, you are only really there for comedic relief.

(5) If you are a woman, well you have it a little harder, women in movies tend to be sexy scientists, Jody foster in contact, Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile or Vittoria Vettra in Angels and Demons. It appears you also have to be white as a female, unless of course you study African (hispanic) Literature, then you can be black (Latino). Thick glasses and Knee length skirts are a must. And you should have brown hair, not blonde, it adds to your credibility, especially if you can hold it up with a pencil. Having strange beliefs in crazy thing like "Aliens" or "Feminism" are critical to being a female movie professor. Note, feminist professors are expected to be lesbians, please do not attempt to be a women's studies professor in a movie unless you are a lesbian or a single hippie woman.

(6) Finally, have a skeleton in your closet, if you don't, skeletons are available online, closets can be purchased at Ikea. Movie professors always have a secret past that makes them the way they are. They were abused or bullied and therefore became academic recluses burying themselves in Teutonic literature so they wouldn't have to face their demons. If you weren't bullied, you can have slightly creepy relationship with a mentor who saw your potential when you didn't and steered you toward your current path, you rebel by using lawson and McCauley's definition of religion instead of Eliade's. A quest is also acceptable, cure the disease that killed your mother, solve the mystery your father couldn't or prove God does/does not exist because your father was a priest/atheist.

Hopefully this information will guide you in your attempts to make your life in research a little more like the movies, oh and other than highlighting documents to inspiring music, and giving the occasional (but always interrupted) lecture to students who seem to actually pay attention (if you can find these magical undergrads), don't ever be seen actually doing research, applying for grant applications, filling out departmental forms, counseling students, writing books, talking with publishers, editing journals, organizing conferences, attending departmental meetings, supervising RA's and TA's, reviewing books, providing advise to lawmakers and politicians, running subcommittees or any of the other things that professors actually do, those are just too boring for the movies.