Glad I'm not this fish

I thought writing a thesis was not a great life and planning a wedding was worse....then I realised I could be this fish, things seem a little better now.

This picture may have to be my desktop for a while, I will avoid shutting off MS word because I will get scared every time I do.

Thesis status: Mostly dead

Some of you know or may have heard about that little life event I have coming up called a wedding.

While it will not be the death of me it has relegated my thesis to the realm of "Mostly dead"

Talking to other grad students I have learned that major life events seem to send a thesis into stasis. Take for example, pregnancy. While this only affects about one half of grad students it is still a common problem. A women who thinks she has three months left to go on her thesis, has already defended and is really just tweaking the bibliography decides to get pregnant.

All of a sudden a thesis that should take three months to finish, now looks like it will not be done until the little one in her tummy is starting grad school herself. Mommy classes, making a nursery, nervous calls from soon to be grandparents, doctors visits, all of which should somehow take maybe 4-5 hours a week begin to take 16 hours a day.

Or say you cross the threshold of getting an academic job, sure it is just a part time position, but for some reason you are exhausted after your three hours of class, your two office hours and ten hours of marking, you aren't going to want to finish that thesis. The light at the end of your tunnel slowly begins to fade as you enter the "I need to make money, therefore I will work, which will help me pay the tuition so I can take one more term to do my thesis" state of perpetual quasi-death.

Returning to my original example, say my wedding finishes I return from my honeymoon. It ain't over and no chocolate covered pill is going to revive this undead tome. After the wedding you have thank you cards to send, gifts to return, a new place to move into. All of a sudden your working spouse expects you to work during the day, 9-5 like him or her, so you can spend "quality time" together. Impromptu beer nights (aka academic brainstorming sessions) with your friends are replaced by dinner parties with other married couples who ask "how long until your thesis is done again?". Pshaw, they never mentioned that in the pre-nup. I do my best work at 4:00 am and I study over beer how was that not obvious before marriage.

Well, death is another part of living, I am sure things will even out again soon after all, I do study religion and even my thesis deserves and afterlife (or is that what a post-doc is for?)

*Disclaimer* Any mention of annoying spouses is purely conjecture and in no way reflects my real life spouse as he has never worked 9-5, he's lucky if he gets to work 8-11(pm) **

Types of Grad Students: The Over Achiever

The Over Achiever (OA) can be found at any one of a million weekly meetings. Apart from meetings with the supervisor daily, the OA is a member of every possible comittee. When not in one of these many meetings, they are in a perpetual state of on the run. Despite never seeming to sleep, eat or sit down and read, they seem to hand all their papers in two weeks early, and hae several publications under their belt.

Interacting with the OA is best done through one line e-mails or text messages. They are generally too busy to actually answer a phone or read more than one line of an e-mail. As well, they are probably doing a million other things while reading your text or e-mail.

Though the urge to kill the OA is strong, or to at least give them some valum, it is best to avoid these urges. Instead, latch on to them and ride their coat tails. Want to see an example of an over achiever and a mooch, Karl Rove and George W. Bush. Proof that you don't actually have to be the smart, hard working one to go far.
The OA will be eager to co-publish and hand you the not too important comittee projects that are easy to do but still look good on the CV.

All in all, the OA makes a good co-worker, not necessarily a good drinking buddy as their high powered life style can lead to excessive tendencies in other areas. Use them to motivate yourslef to work harder, but be sure to spend a lot of time with the slacker (To be discussed later) in order to make yourself feel more productive.

Dissertation Vacation

I just got back from a vacation...from my dissertation.

Yes, even grad students need vacations.

What did I do? I sat around and read...what a great break from my thesis where all I do is sit around and read.

Maybe I should think over this vacation thing more.

Why Studying Religion Can Suck - Episode One!

Scene...some pub in Australia

Random guy: Hey, good DJ tonight.

Me: Yeah, I like this place

RG: Hey, I love your accent, where are you from

Me: Canada, I just graduated from uni and am here as a graduation present

RG: Sweet, what did you study

Me: Oh Psychology and religious studies

RG: Long thoughtful pause
RG: Look of accomplishment
RG: No way... I've read the Da Vinci code too!

Me: Contemplate jumping in front of Australian bus, or pushing RG in front of said bus to prevent procreation.

Thesis without Caffeine?

I have a confession to make. I hate coffee, the only way I can drink it is in Cafe Mocha format with so much sugar I sacrifice a tooth for every extra hour of wakefulness.

Upon finding out my distaste for what other grad students call "Brown Gold" or "Liquid Energy." I am generally met with looks of skepticism and outright disbelief. Then when I tell them at the most I drink tea or diet cola (yes... I said cola, not satan...I mean coke) at the most, but generally try to get a full 8 hours of sleep, my veracity as a grad student is quickly called into question.

"Well you must be a part time student" Nope.

It's true, I have had approximately 1 and a half cups of coffee in my entire life. Once when I thought I would try it to see what the big deal was. And once when a well meaning uncle who doesn't speak English bought me a cup and I felt too guilty to throw it out. Even having pulled at least 30 all nighters throughout my life to finish various projects I never use the java.

Same with energy drinks... the best tasting ones taste like lemon flavoured urine (please don't ask how I can make this comparison), the worst ones, well I want to keep this blog at least mildly clean.

I really don't know how I do it, I had to stop drinking Mochas because of all the sugar so I can't even have that caveat anymore. I guess my research is just so interesting and stimulating that I am never tempted to fall asleep. Yeah right.

Anyway, what ever the reason, this may be my only chance to hold a title of note and value. Neil Armstrong: first Man on the moon, Hilary Clinton: first female presidential candidate, Me: First author of a thesis to not use caffeine and complete it in under ten years. That is a record anyone can be proud of!

Grad School T-shirt

http://www.phdcomics.com/store/mojostore.php?_=view&ProductID=10620

A perfect gift for me. That way I don't actually have to speak to undergrads who ask why I haven't left the library computers in two weeks. However, after the first week they stopped coming near me at all. I suppose at least one trip home to shower can't completely delay my research.